Beautiful

September rain

Today

Grieving.
A deep sharp sob with every breath.
Lost.
Alone.
Longing for the arms that offer comfort...
The arms that hold me still within the storm of my emotion.
But they too are gone....
As I ran from my grief, I ran from you too.
I pushed, pushed, pushed the arms of solace, love, comfort, hope far far away.
And everything came tumbling down.
Once they longed to hold me thru my loss
But I ignored it & in doing so ignored the arms.
Cut off from all emotion - a deep empty void, a bottomless pit of darkness & despair. I dared not open my eyes.
I was alone.
Afraid of the dark.

But now I face my grief, I feel the pain.
And in so doing, I ache more than ever for your arms to hold me again.

Xxx

Just the usual.

Heartache. I surround myself with positive music. Read the bible. Yak to God. Scream shout cry if I need to but get it all out. I suppose it's creating a safe environment to get all your crap out to God in. It's opening up to Him. Making yourself vulnerable and trusting Him with your life. Your heart. He speaks to you thru His word, music on ucb and other places, whatever He has to hand I suppose...even the side of a bus or a wagon....a rainbow :-) But it's always positive when He is specifically talking to you. If it's not then it's not Him. He wants to draw you close,  not push you away. Sometimes we end up breaking ourselves when we run blindly in the wrong direction. Quite the opposite to:

 Your word is a lamp for my feet,
    a light on my path.
Psalm 119:105

We need to take control of our thoughts. We can choose whether or not to see the glass as half full or half empty. We can let our over thinking negativity eat away at us or we can choose not to think about stuff that upsets us, especially as we make it up in our own heads. It is a probability in our eyes but NOT a fact. We need to speak positive words over our lives and think positive thoughts. The change in our worlds start within US, not anyone out there. Despite how we feel it is also a FACT that God hasn't given up on any of us. He loves us very much. He has great plans for us. We need to trust Him. Can't trust someone you don't know? Get to know Him:


You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:13

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.                                                            

John 8:32

Xxx

sigh

How easily the love of younger days is pushed aside.
Ignored
Replaced.
A grieving heart rushes to fill the gap, numb the pain
reaching dizzy heights & magnifying all that is..
all that is not.
Intensity.
A passion soon burnt out.
The longing
the aching
the fretting
the wanting.
All over too quickly in the getting.
Then 'poof'
it is gone
and you are left with nothing more
than you had before.
Something less
is what you get.

But some wait....
those of younger days
look after the love.
We keep it safe for another day.
We always hope.
We glimpse our future paths
and clearly see them meet.
Yet holding on is painful, bitter sweet, agony to the core
But BECAUSE we love
we know
that it' worth the waiting for.
What is to come
is all you and I ever wanted...
ever dreamed of.
We had it all at the time but didn't know it.
And one  day when this sky that's ever over us both
sees us stand together on the same plain
we will lovingly, at last, eternally bestow it.

Mini md

I keep having mini melt downs...latest one being tonight.  Good job God gave me a sense of humour & an amazing ability to bounce back!!! It's been the first one in ages.....but I want to start with what brought it to an end, because the mini md was really nothing in comparison.
I hadn't even finished closing the front door behind me when Daughter was zooming in for a cuddle. There was a need.  That need, painful as it was, led to a very late night for us, but we're both in a better frame of mind than we were 9.30 ish this evening.....make that last night.

God has been telling me for a long time to get my priorities right.  Tonight I blew it.  I did something I KNEW I shouldn't do, but did it anyway.  I resentfully attended a meeting after a very hard weekend (good church tho :-) ) followed by a 6.30 wake up on Monday to let Daughter's school friend in (but that's another story and all to do with the weekend). Work started 8.15am & didn't finish until 6.15pm - one of my people had a deadline to meet - and I only took 2 x 15 min breaks. I had a meeting that night, Anyway, it was the recommended minimum.  Daughter made her own tea while I cracked on.
There was no time to do the jobs I needed to do by the time I'd fed myself.  I'd see to those when I came back.

I heard Norman's voice as clear as day telling me that I HAD to prioritise Daughter & if that meant missing a meeting then so be it.  So why did I go?!!! Because I thought for some unknown reason that it was going to be thin on the ground & didn't want to let anyone down.  As I write this, I see myself when I was around 9, so not a very little girl,  being held back, sobbing for Mam not to go out, to stay at home with me.  Why? I wasn't being left on my own. I wasn't in any danger. I was with people who loved & cared for me (well, most of the time - I was the youngest of 3 girls!!). I just wanted my Mam.

Whilst Daughter is older than this & can't wait for me to  go out, she still needed time with her Mam. And I needed time with her.  We had lost our weekend time together due to events.  But you know what, I thought I was using it as an excuse to 'shirk my duty' cos I'd had a busy day & was tired...

So I went. Not in the best of moods - torn, tired & testy. And had a mini md at the end.  I marvel at our hostess so much - she's in the same circs as me - she lives with her daughter at home,  & works in an office upstairs.  I'll have to ask her how she does it.......(in fact I did, and she's working it out & coming to tell me on Wednesday!).

So I bimble into the house, practically falling over distressed Daughter, and embark on a time of talking about what had been going on in my absence, sharing, reciting stuff that we like - her from songs, me from the Bible or Word for Today.  We listened for a while to the words that make our own individual worlds to go round. We encouraged one another & ourselves.We cried a little bit.

I had worshipped in her room that afternoon.  Something I can't remember going out of my way to do before.  I've been tidying up there & started praying & worshipping.  But this afternoon was different. During one of my 15 min breaks I had 'God I Look to You' on my phone & was worshipping over situations & stuff when I felt compelled to go into the room and worshipped & prayed over it.
Was I preparing the way for Him tonight? Maybe, who knows.  All I DO know is that God is good, and He turned up.

My beautiful Daughter made some very brave decisions tonight.  She's decided to face her problems rather than turning in on herself or bricking herself in some more.  She's looking at the wall that she's been building up around herself for so long with different eyes    Funny that particular analogy has come to me - earlier I was envisioning Christians singing walls down all over the world with the words of the song.

I've had a Psalm like day - winding up to a melt down followed by a peak of praise :-)

that song..... 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CR5IoWH9OiI 

and for Daughter xxx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Hi-VMxT6fc

aaaggghhh

Can I just take a little time to rant my pissed off heart?!!!

It doesn't seem to matter how much I write, how much I trust God, how much I stand on His promises, how much I praise Him & thank Him, or reach out to other people to encourage them, support them, motivate them I still can't find the balls to ask for help for myself and I just stay in this overwhelming darkness.

One good thing has come out of this - the end result is enabling me to empathize with my daughter.

I'm rubbish at asking for help, for my daughter or for myself.  I'm so good at sticking up for everyone else but when it comes to us, I fail miserably and I don't know why.  My words, when I dare to try, come out all wrong.  With professionals I feel intimidated & a nuisance.  With friends I really don't want to blurt my shit out cos A. they have enough of their own, and I feel more comfortable helping them with theirs (which, when I'm feeling like this, doesn't actually amount to much) B. I don't want them to think that I'm asking for anything other than the chance to offload to get it all out my head once and for all, to hear the words that are bothering me, spoken, so I can blow them all away. I'm not asking anyone to fix me, or provide for me, or be responsible for me. Just a kind heart, a listening ear & a warm hug hopefully with a cappuccino C. I feel a nuisance.

Why oh why O Lord, did we all get so busy that there are those of us who feel the devil is playing the 'divide & conquer' strategy, leaving us feeling isolated? 

I guess I just find it very lonely & overwhelming being on my own. 

I miss my parents.

All I can do is what I am doing.

Psalm 13

"How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy* triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,

and my enemy* will say, “I have overcome him,”

and my foes* will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing the Lord’s praise,

for he has been good to me."

*being fears, anxieties, hopelessness, failure, about my daughter & our circumstances. A feeling of us not really meaning that much to anyone, for no other reason than that most people have got a boat load of their own crap at the moment & they are really busy too.

"But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing the Lord’s praise,

for he has been good to me."

PS I really should update my profile....