Beautiful

September rain

Today

Grieving.
A deep sharp sob with every breath.
Lost.
Alone.
Longing for the arms that offer comfort...
The arms that hold me still within the storm of my emotion.
But they too are gone....
As I ran from my grief, I ran from you too.
I pushed, pushed, pushed the arms of solace, love, comfort, hope far far away.
And everything came tumbling down.
Once they longed to hold me thru my loss
But I ignored it & in doing so ignored the arms.
Cut off from all emotion - a deep empty void, a bottomless pit of darkness & despair. I dared not open my eyes.
I was alone.
Afraid of the dark.

But now I face my grief, I feel the pain.
And in so doing, I ache more than ever for your arms to hold me again.

Xxx

Just the usual.

Heartache. I surround myself with positive music. Read the bible. Yak to God. Scream shout cry if I need to but get it all out. I suppose it's creating a safe environment to get all your crap out to God in. It's opening up to Him. Making yourself vulnerable and trusting Him with your life. Your heart. He speaks to you thru His word, music on ucb and other places, whatever He has to hand I suppose...even the side of a bus or a wagon....a rainbow :-) But it's always positive when He is specifically talking to you. If it's not then it's not Him. He wants to draw you close,  not push you away. Sometimes we end up breaking ourselves when we run blindly in the wrong direction. Quite the opposite to:

 Your word is a lamp for my feet,
    a light on my path.
Psalm 119:105

We need to take control of our thoughts. We can choose whether or not to see the glass as half full or half empty. We can let our over thinking negativity eat away at us or we can choose not to think about stuff that upsets us, especially as we make it up in our own heads. It is a probability in our eyes but NOT a fact. We need to speak positive words over our lives and think positive thoughts. The change in our worlds start within US, not anyone out there. Despite how we feel it is also a FACT that God hasn't given up on any of us. He loves us very much. He has great plans for us. We need to trust Him. Can't trust someone you don't know? Get to know Him:


You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:13

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.                                                            

John 8:32

Xxx

sigh

How easily the love of younger days is pushed aside.
Ignored
Replaced.
A grieving heart rushes to fill the gap, numb the pain
reaching dizzy heights & magnifying all that is..
all that is not.
Intensity.
A passion soon burnt out.
The longing
the aching
the fretting
the wanting.
All over too quickly in the getting.
Then 'poof'
it is gone
and you are left with nothing more
than you had before.
Something less
is what you get.

But some wait....
those of younger days
look after the love.
We keep it safe for another day.
We always hope.
We glimpse our future paths
and clearly see them meet.
Yet holding on is painful, bitter sweet, agony to the core
But BECAUSE we love
we know
that it' worth the waiting for.
What is to come
is all you and I ever wanted...
ever dreamed of.
We had it all at the time but didn't know it.
And one  day when this sky that's ever over us both
sees us stand together on the same plain
we will lovingly, at last, eternally bestow it.

Mini md

I keep having mini melt downs...latest one being tonight.  Good job God gave me a sense of humour & an amazing ability to bounce back!!! It's been the first one in ages.....but I want to start with what brought it to an end, because the mini md was really nothing in comparison.
I hadn't even finished closing the front door behind me when Daughter was zooming in for a cuddle. There was a need.  That need, painful as it was, led to a very late night for us, but we're both in a better frame of mind than we were 9.30 ish this evening.....make that last night.

God has been telling me for a long time to get my priorities right.  Tonight I blew it.  I did something I KNEW I shouldn't do, but did it anyway.  I resentfully attended a meeting after a very hard weekend (good church tho :-) ) followed by a 6.30 wake up on Monday to let Daughter's school friend in (but that's another story and all to do with the weekend). Work started 8.15am & didn't finish until 6.15pm - one of my people had a deadline to meet - and I only took 2 x 15 min breaks. I had a meeting that night, Anyway, it was the recommended minimum.  Daughter made her own tea while I cracked on.
There was no time to do the jobs I needed to do by the time I'd fed myself.  I'd see to those when I came back.

I heard Norman's voice as clear as day telling me that I HAD to prioritise Daughter & if that meant missing a meeting then so be it.  So why did I go?!!! Because I thought for some unknown reason that it was going to be thin on the ground & didn't want to let anyone down.  As I write this, I see myself when I was around 9, so not a very little girl,  being held back, sobbing for Mam not to go out, to stay at home with me.  Why? I wasn't being left on my own. I wasn't in any danger. I was with people who loved & cared for me (well, most of the time - I was the youngest of 3 girls!!). I just wanted my Mam.

Whilst Daughter is older than this & can't wait for me to  go out, she still needed time with her Mam. And I needed time with her.  We had lost our weekend time together due to events.  But you know what, I thought I was using it as an excuse to 'shirk my duty' cos I'd had a busy day & was tired...

So I went. Not in the best of moods - torn, tired & testy. And had a mini md at the end.  I marvel at our hostess so much - she's in the same circs as me - she lives with her daughter at home,  & works in an office upstairs.  I'll have to ask her how she does it.......(in fact I did, and she's working it out & coming to tell me on Wednesday!).

So I bimble into the house, practically falling over distressed Daughter, and embark on a time of talking about what had been going on in my absence, sharing, reciting stuff that we like - her from songs, me from the Bible or Word for Today.  We listened for a while to the words that make our own individual worlds to go round. We encouraged one another & ourselves.We cried a little bit.

I had worshipped in her room that afternoon.  Something I can't remember going out of my way to do before.  I've been tidying up there & started praying & worshipping.  But this afternoon was different. During one of my 15 min breaks I had 'God I Look to You' on my phone & was worshipping over situations & stuff when I felt compelled to go into the room and worshipped & prayed over it.
Was I preparing the way for Him tonight? Maybe, who knows.  All I DO know is that God is good, and He turned up.

My beautiful Daughter made some very brave decisions tonight.  She's decided to face her problems rather than turning in on herself or bricking herself in some more.  She's looking at the wall that she's been building up around herself for so long with different eyes    Funny that particular analogy has come to me - earlier I was envisioning Christians singing walls down all over the world with the words of the song.

I've had a Psalm like day - winding up to a melt down followed by a peak of praise :-)

that song..... 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CR5IoWH9OiI 

and for Daughter xxx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Hi-VMxT6fc

aaaggghhh

Can I just take a little time to rant my pissed off heart?!!!

It doesn't seem to matter how much I write, how much I trust God, how much I stand on His promises, how much I praise Him & thank Him, or reach out to other people to encourage them, support them, motivate them I still can't find the balls to ask for help for myself and I just stay in this overwhelming darkness.

One good thing has come out of this - the end result is enabling me to empathize with my daughter.

I'm rubbish at asking for help, for my daughter or for myself.  I'm so good at sticking up for everyone else but when it comes to us, I fail miserably and I don't know why.  My words, when I dare to try, come out all wrong.  With professionals I feel intimidated & a nuisance.  With friends I really don't want to blurt my shit out cos A. they have enough of their own, and I feel more comfortable helping them with theirs (which, when I'm feeling like this, doesn't actually amount to much) B. I don't want them to think that I'm asking for anything other than the chance to offload to get it all out my head once and for all, to hear the words that are bothering me, spoken, so I can blow them all away. I'm not asking anyone to fix me, or provide for me, or be responsible for me. Just a kind heart, a listening ear & a warm hug hopefully with a cappuccino C. I feel a nuisance.

Why oh why O Lord, did we all get so busy that there are those of us who feel the devil is playing the 'divide & conquer' strategy, leaving us feeling isolated? 

I guess I just find it very lonely & overwhelming being on my own. 

I miss my parents.

All I can do is what I am doing.

Psalm 13

"How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy* triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,

and my enemy* will say, “I have overcome him,”

and my foes* will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing the Lord’s praise,

for he has been good to me."

*being fears, anxieties, hopelessness, failure, about my daughter & our circumstances. A feeling of us not really meaning that much to anyone, for no other reason than that most people have got a boat load of their own crap at the moment & they are really busy too.

"But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing the Lord’s praise,

for he has been good to me."

PS I really should update my profile....

As the deer pants for still water.....

I've been missing Mam a lot today.

Christmas was very different, not just because Mam wasn't there but also because the whole family were together - something that hasn't happened in years....since my eldest nephew was a child (sadly he and his wife couldn't be with us because baby Isabelle had to be kept away from colds, in this case mine :( ).

But today I started a New Year that would never be marked by Mam....no dates with her on the calendar to remember, stuff like that.  Dad came for lunch.  But not Mam.

It's been 5 &  1/2 weeks now.....where has that time gone?! I've been mostly ok - I love and miss my Mam so much but I know it's not the end and I'll see her again :) Yes, I've cried, not boatloads, but always unexpected and at the most inconvenient of moments (I walked home from town snivelling and snotting before Christmas; thankfully it was dark & I didn't see anybody!!).  But even Jesus cried at the tomb of Lazarus, even though He knew He was going to see him again!!! So ya see, it really is ok :)

I looked at the pics on my phone tonight.  Lots of Mam, some from before she went into hospital too, with Georgina after her first day at her new school.  Then pics of her in hospital, on her own, with me and her other visitors, laughing & smiling,  in the care home, videos; a continuous thread running through the other events pictured - Roald Dahl day,  Pog's birthday, Dad's 80th birthday, cat sitting,Children in Need, strange ice cream, Pog's science model, Hartlepotz, a wedding,  friends etc etc you get my drift. And then a group of us at the bottom of the church steps after the celebration of Mam's life.  We hadn't all been together for many years, possibly as far back as our 6th form days!! We were regretfully missing a friend - she too had gone home earlier in the year.
Then it goes onto friends, decorations, party, church nativity, presents, Christmas, girlie night, Dad, New Year.........................but no Mam. 

Jeremiah 31:13

New International Version (NIV)

".......I will turn their mourning into gladness;
    I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow."

God is good :)

I KNOW that Mam is happy, I'm just going to miss her a while, that's all :) she's where her soul has longed to be........

                                        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBppKZ0eJlQ

                                                                                                                                :) Xxx

 

Head in the shed...?!!!

Hmmm.....
I really don't know how I'm feeling....my head is in the shed. I find myself doing more stupid things than usual, not a clue what day it is, or if something happened this morning, yesterday or 4  days ago!!!

I keep getting little sentimental 'Mam Moments', sometimes tearful, sometimes pure grateful and love :-)

My Mam had a life well lived, so fruitful, so effective, so giving.....she gave so much of herself to her family & God and managed to reach out to so many others in all kinds of ways.
Her heart was open and her house was open. No one was ever turned away.  There are so many happy memories that I have, so fond, so fresh, so beautiful.

It is because she is all this and more I have every reason in the world to miss her.  I've been missing her so long because of her illness.  Missing her so very much with an ache in my heart, in my being.....and now, well, she is healed in Heaven.
But I truly look forward to seeing you, Mam, with your new mind and new body.

I miss you Mam, so much.

I've been looking at some old pics & appreciating the fantastic childhood you and Dad gave me, gave us.  I've been talking with friends & family and we've been tripping down memory lane :-) I'm looking forward to some more of that on Friday.  But I wish you were gonna be there.....you'd love that too :-) People say I take after you in more ways than looks.  I can see that in some ways I do......and those are all the bits of me that I actually like :-)

See you'll always be with me :-)

But I miss ya.

Now what was I gonna blog about....oh yeah, I'm not sure how I'm feeling..............did I mention my head is in the shed?!!!!!

Thanks for listening!!!!
                                                                                                                                                 

xxx

                                                                     

Cathy Parvin

10.7.38 - 23.11.12

 

 Proverbs 31: 10-31 NCV

" It is hard to find a good wife, because she is worth more than rubies. Her husband trusts her completely. With her, he has everything he needs.  She does him good and not harm for as long as she lives.  She looks for wool and flax and likes to work with her hands.  She is like a trader's ship, bringing food from far away.  She gets up while it is still dark and prepares food for her family and feeds her servant girls.  She inspects a field and buys it. With money she earned, she plants a vineyard.  She does her work with energy, and her arms are strong.  She knows that what she makes is good. Her lamp burns late into the night.  She makes thread with her hands and weaves her own cloth. She welcomes the poor and helps the needy.  She does not worry about her family when it snows, because they all have fine clothes to keep them warm.  She makes coverings for herself; her clothes are made of linen and other expensive material.  Her husband is known at the city meetings, where he makes decisions as one of the leaders of the land.  She makes linen clothes and sells them and provides belts to the merchants.  She is strong and is respected by the people. She looks forward to the future with joy.  She speaks wise words and teaches others to be kind.  She watches over her family and never wastes her time.  Her children speak well of her. Her husband also praises her,  saying, "There are many fine women, but you are better than all of them."  Charm can fool you, and beauty can trick you, but a woman who respects the Lord should be praised.  Give her the reward she has earned; she should be praised in public for what she has done."

'Nuff said  :-) 

Uniquely alike :-)

I'm unique... you're unique. We may have similarities but no two people are exactly the same. The mold was broken when each one of us was made :-) We may have many things in common, the main one being that, whether we believe or not, we share the same creator.

It should come as no surprise then that our creator often tells us the same things, guides us the same way, gives us the same tasks, breathes the same words of encouragement & motivation over us!!! 

It doesn't always  happen but sometimes it does.......and I've discovered that this happens most with people of a similar character to me.....what I term as 'Soul Sisters'.  

I've had periods of no particular closeness with my Soul Sisters yet we still meet up after the silences to discover God leading us a similar way, speaking to us about the same things, using the same analogies, pictures, bible verses, songs etc  and asking (some of) the same things of us, whispering the same words of encouragement along the way.

  

But we respond (or not!) in our own unique way.....maybe alike but not (often) exactly.  There is nothing wrong with this. People of the same ilk tend to be good at & enjoy the same types of things.  It's these things that we have in common that lead us to pass on from being acquaintances to friends.   

I'd like to draw encouragement from such times as these, that I'm not as on my own on my journey, as I sometimes feel, that others do understand more than I realise :-) That some of the things that are being asked of me may sound strange, trivial, impossible etc..... but hey, I'm not the only one being directed that way so let's be strange, do the trivial... & conquer the impossible together!!!

Let's support one another to be the best we can in all that we are, and to reach the full potential of who we were created to be :-)

Catch 22

I currently find myself in a catch 22......

I stopped smoking at the beginning of July (with the help of champix).  Already overweight this problem has been heightened with the slowing down of my metabolism.  My eating habits worsened the first week or two but are back to normal now.  So a bit of dieting and exercise are in order.
However I just CANNOT get into a dieting mindset. Probably because I know that it's not dieting alone that is gonna solve this problem - it never is!!! I need to exercise.  I need something that is cheap (preferably free) close by and something I can do with my daughter.  So we tried jogging together in the local park and I made my back problem worse for my effort  :-s  herein lies my catch 22 - my weight is worsening my back problem and my back problem is stopping me from exercising!!!!

What I need to do is diet anyway, get on top of my physio exercises and hope and pray that that will make enough difference to allow me to exercise properly again.  Swimming would be good but I'd need a babysitter & someone to go with regularly (yes I'm a coward in a costume!!) and I have neither!!!  Pilates is also recommended but with an instructor who can tell me which exercises to avoid.  Still, both are things for me to think about  :-)

Today, then,  saw the return of my physio exercising and a new determined attitude to keep positive and to keep on trying. The important thing is that I keep looking forward and don't give up hope. I could look back to my past where the smoking kept my metabolism (and heart rate) high PLUS it curbed my appetite and was a welcome replacement for a bar of chocolate or a packet of crisps.  But THAT isn't really the answer is it?!!

So yeah, I aim to keep positive, hopeful and forward thinking - in this and in another thing or two....watch this space  ;-) 

 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Romans 15:13

Hmmmmm......

Tomorrow it will be 6 years since I, along with 4 other girls, reaffirmed my baptism vows.  Nancy had the idea to go over the beach after church just to think on that for a while.  So three of us went over.

Such a lot has happened since then in my life.  I've become a single parent; turned 40; changed jobs; Mam & Dad's health has really deteriorated; I've completed a Living Theology Today course; been really involved in the community church where I worshipped; moved to another church for a while (and did a lot of learning & attitude changing while there); said adieu to some very dear friends who've left the country; and am now getting ready to move back to the church where my walk with God all started - to where I was baptised as a child, made my commitment to Christ, got confirmed there, grew up there, got married there, served there as Sunday school teacher and youth worker as well as singing in the choir there as a child.  I'm not going to be 'Cathy's daughter' or 'Glenn's wife'. I'm going to be me. I'm going to be Lynda.

Sadly we lost one of our little quintet that got dunked in the surprisingly warm North Sea that day.  Lisa passed away earlier this year. Nancy, Steph & I thought about her as we stood on the beach this afternoon.  They too have seen many changes over the last 6 years, as has Pam, who couldn't make it today.

Life is always changing, moving on, leaving things behind & embracing new.......we can choose to fight against it or go with the flow.  I, for one, intend to dance wherever my Makers melody takes me...........  :-)

new day, new term, new year!!!

Today had been dreaded for a while, for more than one reason - my daughter was starting secondary school and my return to work after the hols was to a place I'd rather not be;  there were things I needed to sort with my parents later in the day that weren't going to be easy and Pog had asked for a treaty tea to celebrate her new start (this meant takeaway and I was skint barring a couple of pound).....but hey ho I took it all in my stride as I always do and was rewarded with a pleasant surprise or two......


After following our children in my friends car to make sure they arrived at their new school safely (not that we're paranoid parents you understand) they rumbled us when they took a wrong turning and we went looking for them; knowing our 2 this could have turned out badly with ensuing strops and sulks but they found it highly amusing and weren't buying for one moment that Michelle was just taking me the long way to work 'cos she needed to chat to me.......smiles all round thankfully :-)

The next pleasant surprise was arriving at work to find that I'm not working exactly where I thought I was going to be.......this, along with my daughter's school change, has been the one of the hot topics on my prayer list all all summer, for me to have peace, patience.......... and mercy!!!!

Things weren't quite as smooth when I arrived at my parents however.............when Social Services arrived to see how things were going Dad disappeared out the back gate under the pretense of hanging the washing; it wasn't until Claire wanted a word before she left that we discovered what he'd done!!!! At least he took today's walk while Mam wasn't alone in the house so no harm done really :-s  Next job: The paperwork I'd come to help him find surfaced within 5 minutes of our 'search' beginning; we managed to unexpectedly solve a couple of other minor problems and he's finally agreed to a helpful suggestion his daughters have been cajoling him with for the past week or two :-) result!!!

The only hurdle now was to provide Pog with her celebratory tea!!!

On arriving home I found £20 had been put through my door......an anonymous love gift or the wrong house?!!!! who knows.......but if anyone out there DOES know...thanks very much :-)

There is a God, and He is Good.............keep the faith ;-)