aaaggghhh

Can I just take a little time to rant my pissed off heart?!!!

It doesn't seem to matter how much I write, how much I trust God, how much I stand on His promises, how much I praise Him & thank Him, or reach out to other people to encourage them, support them, motivate them I still can't find the balls to ask for help for myself and I just stay in this overwhelming darkness.

One good thing has come out of this - the end result is enabling me to empathize with my daughter.

I'm rubbish at asking for help, for my daughter or for myself.  I'm so good at sticking up for everyone else but when it comes to us, I fail miserably and I don't know why.  My words, when I dare to try, come out all wrong.  With professionals I feel intimidated & a nuisance.  With friends I really don't want to blurt my shit out cos A. they have enough of their own, and I feel more comfortable helping them with theirs (which, when I'm feeling like this, doesn't actually amount to much) B. I don't want them to think that I'm asking for anything other than the chance to offload to get it all out my head once and for all, to hear the words that are bothering me, spoken, so I can blow them all away. I'm not asking anyone to fix me, or provide for me, or be responsible for me. Just a kind heart, a listening ear & a warm hug hopefully with a cappuccino C. I feel a nuisance.

Why oh why O Lord, did we all get so busy that there are those of us who feel the devil is playing the 'divide & conquer' strategy, leaving us feeling isolated? 

I guess I just find it very lonely & overwhelming being on my own. 

I miss my parents.

All I can do is what I am doing.

Psalm 13

"How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy* triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,

and my enemy* will say, “I have overcome him,”

and my foes* will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing the Lord’s praise,

for he has been good to me."

*being fears, anxieties, hopelessness, failure, about my daughter & our circumstances. A feeling of us not really meaning that much to anyone, for no other reason than that most people have got a boat load of their own crap at the moment & they are really busy too.

"But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing the Lord’s praise,

for he has been good to me."

PS I really should update my profile....